i want a female partner pt. 1

i want a female partner you say, so I do everything i can to become her for you.

i brush my hair each night and pace my thoughts,

balance my checkbook and wait for your call.

i want someone to share things with you say,

so i hold my breath in ready anticipation for you to share,

weighing possibilities, making myself impartial, thinking of what’s fair.

you are the sweetest thing to happen to me you say,

so i brush canela and asucar onto my skin at night,

scrub the hardness away and lay in bed waiting for you to taste me,

hairless and soft, brown and glowing pink in the night.

you have to be patient with me you say,

so i go to the roof top and sit alone for hours,

willing my mind into a meditative state, thinking of what I can do to stay busy,

what I can do to love you unselfishly from afar.

I make myself cool and sweet for you, soft and ready for you

i wait on my knees as the mornings pass, the afternoons lurch into the evening,

until the clock strikes twelve again, the days change to fall.

my softness makes me melt, i dissolve into a puddle of sticking sweetness.

I call and ask if you are ready but you tell me, “not today”.

“then when?” and you say “amor, no se.”

i look to the mirror at the woman i have become.

the one you wanted, for no reason at all.

she stole watercolors from the psych ward

and gave them to me three years ago today 

I haven’t used them yet 

but I have made two hands

three pills

and one rib cage with new oil paints

that i will finish one day for my wall 

i want to feel special 

even in the pharmacy line at CVS

i click my tongue and count to ten 

thirty two times

i’ve smoked five cigarettes in one afternoon in amsterdam

loved three men in the space of four months

traveled 73 thousand miles 

and cried lying on my belly as i tried to sleep in two different Montana motel beds 

i’ve loved him and convinced myself i didn’t

six times already today 

i’ve written countless poems and tried at 41 songs

i worry about turning 27

i worry i’m wasting precious time

i worry i’m not as special as i sometimes feel i am

or as i’d like to be 

 ITS A WONDERFUL LOVE AFFAIR AND I DONT WANT THE CARNIVALE TO LEAVE TOWN YET

Instead of a story, I ladle mama out the truth-- a part of it

I strain the sauce and pick out the chunks of fact

mama will be devastated I am going—going to you

but no person has loved me this way before

and the tiger’s cage is no worse than the thought of staying when my bones are built for rodeo 

I want to tell her the truth

all of it, about the beauty of this other soul

the infinite majesty of you 

"can I pass?" she says, 

“I’ve had my fill already of madness under this moon.”

but I've had my fill of merengue madness, too,

 I want her to know

I’ve been sick from champagne dreams 

nauseated from back-sweat-mushroom-smelling car backseats 

of motion illness in my own body as I walk down the driveway for the 4 pm mail

too sick to have another bite so

I put down the pot,

I wash my face, 

I go to my room,

I close my eyes,

then I go to you.

I lose my pens, I loosen my belt,

and dive a little deeper in till my face turns blue

till I choke on you 

so I can leave myself for a bit

till the moment passes

--I'll breathe again soon.

I breathe again for the baby in my belly

real or not

the delicate little fuck who needs me more than I need anything

I dream he is real the way I dream of you

which doesn't make it seem so bad to help the carnies unfasten the tents

to throw my bones to the work

to split my ribs in two 

if it means I could keep a few more moments dancing in the same air that breathes with you

I pack up and pull down Mack-truck-backs even though they "can't pay ya, girlie"

even though I hear you’ve caught the last train out of town 

even when I knew you could never stay

--it's easier to suture the black hole when you hold the needle yourself--

at least that’s what mama said as I wept in her arms last night 

slow dancing on my back at the foot of her bed

she tells me straighten up

to wash my face then eat my beans and tomatillos too

never again should I think of you

but I spoon a few moments out of my mouth

enough time to say these silent words to you:

yes, it is true that I love you 

for all the stupid ways I can't believe you loved me

if you loved me, or if you only said it, 

it makes no difference, for I am the girl who will hold you forever in my muscles

until one day I cannot move and will wither then melt away and only you will remain

because, you,

you are the lights, you are the dances, 

you are the magic, you are the music

and you are the carnivale

you were the entire carnivale to me

so tonight I’ll dream 

I’ll pray

I’ll hope that

I'll learn someday to hear 

your constant carousels

 fading farther away

or maybe

singing in a different key

Sobriety

The new anti-depressants feel like
The adderall I used to buy to keep going
to stay high for warm, electric city nights.
Which tasted a lot like the speed we trekked out to Flushing Main Street to buy
Four happy hour margaritas deep
The dealer had the same name as me
Which we laughed about,
said it was meant to be
three days later when we hadn't yet gone to sleep.

It tasted a lot like the blow we did, one shared line on New Year’s Eve

 then pulling you out of June buried 90 bags deep.
I wonder if that’s what let the lies come so easily 

every night you said you couldn't sleep.

But this high feels a lot like you today
Raging
Insistent
Unstoppable
So I skip breakfast and double up on coffee just to feel you course through my veins a little longer
Because you
you
you
are my drug of choice
always were and will be

I get on my bike to ride it out
maybe a good 10 miles of fast pedaling will re-center me
Back to all this hard work I've been doing to get real
to get clean

but real-ly
Right now
I want to jump into the car and chain smoke my way up I-95
Break you out of that place
rob the junk yard of our retired station wagon
tape your long hair back to your head
super glue your fingers to your guitar’s strings
turn up the stereo
and drive anywhere but east

Il have enough acid to keep us sane
And enough almonds to keep us full
Until we end up dead broke
halfway through Texas
destroying and devouring one another once again
as the sun rises too early on the dusty shoulder of I-10

the night has a long throat

I want you at the end of your

Rope

Short on sleep or

ambition

Needy but

certain

something

can rearrange

your

Immovable

Stars

Show me you shallow

And scraped out

Clinging to the promise

Of the dawn

Pockets voided

Just cradling or

Offering

Your

Trigger

Happy

Heart

and the lonely sky doesn’t shine

I’ve been spending my time on my feet

Lately

Always, maybe

I’ve forgotten how to

Put my head

down on the

Mattress

And its sheets

And its sheets feel like

Sandpaper

On the invisible bruises

I shouldn’t be left alone

Can’t be with the

Stifling softness

Can’t believe I ever

Could

Where are the

Hard

Words

indifferent boys

The

Lonely sky

Doesn’t

shine

It just

hovers

And watches you

Burn